men and depression
When a Handshake Isn’t Enough, Part 1:
How to Help the Grieving, Depressed, or Traumatized Man
by Bruce T. Forbes; copyright 2007NOTE: All names have been changed to protect the person’s privacy. Each story in this article was told to the author personally.
“The Sunday after our baby passed away,” recounted Aaron, “the ward surrounded my wife and children and showed them all the love they could.” Aaron paused. “But no one even approached me or spoke to me. After all, 'real men' don‘t hurt. It was a month before anyone talked to me, even in quorum meetings. This rejection hurt worse than the baby's death!”
Society’s myth that ‘real men’ don’t hurt or grieve is in fact a myth. Men hurt and grieve in equal numbers as women, but society demands they deny it and not deal with it for several reasons. In his role as protector and provider for the family, a man must continue on for the family’s continued protection and survival, regardless of the events around him; he must push aside his feelings for the good of the family. Also, the man is by nature the rock upon which their family leans when traumatic events occur; only after the family has recovered does nature allow him to emotionally deal with the event. But because everyone else has recovered, they wonder what his problem is instead of remembering that he has been busy getting them through the healing process and is only now able to face the situation himself. Hence, no natural support base exists for the man to lean on, and he is left alone and misunderstood.
Additionally, society in general rejects the idea that men can be victimized. ‘Everyone’ knows that certain violent, traumatic crimes either can’t happen to men, or they assume that what happened to him is ‘punishment’ for not adequately defending himself or for allowing it to happen to him through sinful living or by being 'too dumb' to prevent it. Hence male victims remain unaided and neglected by disbelieving family, friends, clergy, and law enforcement.
You Are Your Brother's Keeper
Many well-meaning men excuse their neglect of their troubled brother by saying it’s simply male nature to ‘leave him alone to work things out on his own’. “It’s what he’d want us to do,” echoes through wardhouse halls too often, excusing ward members from aiding their brother. While this may be the natural order of things, we must remember that the “natural man is an enemy to God” (Mosiah 3:19).
The prophet Alma outlined specific qualifications for church membership with no exception for gender:
“…as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
“Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…” (Mosiah 18:8-9)Aaron went on to suffer suicidal depression, not because of the baby’s death, but because of the rejection he felt from men who believed that ‘giving him space’ and ‘allowing him privacy’ was the manly thing to do, even though he was literally crying for help. He cites his Relief Society president and visiting teacher as the reason he’s still alive – they alone took him under their wing and nurtured and comforted him, and they didn’t let go until he was able to handle daily life again. He continues to testify that Relief Society aides the men of the church as well as the women.
Men are Allowed to Grieve and be Traumatized
There are many events and conditions that traumatize and grieve a man. The death of a friend or loved one, poor health, a sudden disability, divorce, a vicious or violent crime, and loss of employment are among the issues which can cause worry, stress, depression, and trauma. Additionally, many find their employment putting them into violent situations or working with the aftermath of violence. Law enforcement, fire fighters, paramedics and other emergency workers, medical professionals, and military members can deal with violence and its aftermath on a daily basis, wearing down their mind and spirit. He ends up building mental barriers to the situations as well as automatic, unconscious responses to protect his own sanity which can do harm to himself and to those around him. This condition is called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. (The U.S. Department of Veteran’s Affairs has posted an excellent website on Post Traumatic Stress at: http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/general/fs_what_is_ptsd.html ) Men are not the only ones affected – any witness or victim of a disaster or crime can experience this trauma.
Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome
Here are four basic facts concerning Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):
One, a traumatic event (natural or man-made) occurs in which the person witnesses, experiences, or is victimized by actual or threatened death, injury, or violence - and they respond with intense fear, horror, or helplessness.
Two, after the event, they continue to re-experience the events along with the associated emotions through their recollections of fear or helplessness, nightmares, flashbacks, or other psychological distress.
Three, the affected person begins to avoid emotional stimuli, becoming emotionally numb in order to stop the memories, thus cutting themselves off from much of normal living.
Four, the person is in a constant vigil to insure the event does not happen again, becoming highly irritable and even experiencing severe sleeping difficulty.
What Can I Do?
The ‘natural man’ does his best to show comfort to another man by giving a firm handshake, mumbling honest, well-meant words, and parting before either shows emotion. If they’re especially close they may make eye contact or touch each other’s shoulder. Sadly, there are many times a man needs much more than a handshake! The following is a list of things to do and remember.
1. Know the man and how he handles his emotions.
Some individuals really don’t need or want comfort in times of crisis; others just think they don’t. Others cry out for it. It is a mistake to label all men as “don’t need or want” simply because of their gender. When this is done, stereotypes prevail and those in need go unaided.
2. Don’t let him struggle alone.
Bert was a member of his stake high council prior to a bout of depression. His depression was so severe that he was released from the council so he could work through his depression. Unfortunately, the belief that he should be left alone prevailed to the point that home teachers were told to wait for Bert to contact them and youth leaders told the deacons to not bother him for fast offerings. After a year of being left alone, Bert was sufficiently convinced he was unwanted and uncared for that he didn’t return to church, even after the depression subsided. Two years later he was approached to teach Primary, which he did with great love and compassion for the children, but his mistrust for the adults who ‘abandoned’ him persisted. It was only through the childlike love of a Primary class that Bert realized he was still loved and slowly came back to full activity. There was no judging or diagnosing by the children; just innocent and honest love.
People dealing with severe issues such as depression see this lack of contact as a statement of their worth to those whom they perceive have ‘abandoned’ them, and a person can not perceive abandonment unless there has first been a close or emotional attachment; hence these feelings show that the person perceived a tie that has been severed.
Once you have prayerfully visited the troubled man to see what aide you can give, you will know if he should be left alone or not. Most people, however, need human interaction to help them validate their grief or trauma, understand it, and to talk and heal. When working with a troubled man it is important to give the help and comfort he needs; not what you insist he accept. If he truly does need to be left alone, let him know you are available ‘just in case’ and then check up on him with a frequency that will not make him uncomfortable. Such contacts can be disguised as home teacher visits or as an offering of baked goods to show you are thinking of him.
If, however, he needs to be surrounded by love, then by all means surround him with love. Don’t deny him fellowship and nurture just because he is a man.
3. Don’t set blame, judge, or diagnose.
Violence and tragedy is more often caused by being in the wrong place at the wrong time than by personal transgression. Depression is rarely brought on by immoral living. Divorce is not always the man’s fault. Just because a man is sick, traumatized, depressed, or grieving does not automatically mean he has sinned.
Jared lived a happy, ideal Latter-day Saint life until his wife confessed to an affair and announced she wanted to marry her boyfriend. As details of her affair became public, ward members gathered around her to comfort her while rejecting and shunning Jared, even though they understood her role in the break-up. Jared stopped attending his meetings until he moved to a new ward, the previous ward using his inactivity as ‘proof’ of his guilt.
Judging a person’s worthiness is for the bishop alone; the Lord allows no others that responsibility and has even warned: “Judge not… for with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged” (Matthew 7:1-2). Diagnosing the source of a person’s depression or trauma is for the individual and the mental health professional to discover. And, judging a person’s fault in divorce is the work of the courts. The rest of us should fear to tread these waters while concentrating on the command to “bear one another’s burdens… to mourn with those that mourn… comfort those that stand in need of comfort…” (Mosiah 18:8-9)
It’s important to remember you are not a mental health professional; you cannot make the decisions a professional would make. But if the situation warrants more help than comfort, love, and fellowship can handle, then the sufferer should be encouraged to seek the proper professional assistance. Where LDS Family Services exists they can help with such immediate diagnosis and outline a plan of treatment. In extreme cases the sufferer may need to be forced to accept help; this should only be done by the proper medical, mental health, or legal authorities.
4. You aren’t qualified to set expectations.
People handle grief, depression, and trauma at their own speed, and those around them must allow for this. Leave the goal-setting to the individual and the professionals; the rest of us must simply love and fellowship.
Latter-day Saint men and women in the armed forces are currently experiencing battlefield situations, and when they return home they need us to understand that they have been through traumatic experiences. Many will experience PTSD for years; some for the rest of their life. They do not need well-meaning helpers forcing them to talk and heal according to the helper’s timetable. They also do not need people telling them ‘it’s all in your head; get over it.’ What they need is for friends and neighbors to welcome them home and ask what they need in order to return to civilian life. They need ward members and leaders willing to educate themselves about PTSD and ask: ‘How does this affect you?’ and ‘What can I do to help?’
Franklin wasn’t able to attend church meetings when he returned from Iraq because his mind would not let him enter a ‘non-secured’ building – the reaction of having to guard himself still too strong. Additionally, the noise and confusion level of children and adults shouting and rushing through the meetinghouse hallways was too much noise and confusion for him to maintain any sense of calm – flashbacks of shootouts in narrow, dark streets occurred every time he tried to stay in the building. Unfortunately, it takes time to get over a flashback incident; it took several days for him to calm down after each attempt to attend church. This trauma was the same when he tried to go shopping in a crowded store or even walk down the sidewalk of a busy neighborhood - and any other unknown situation he encountered of the same nature. His bishop was unsympathetic until another bishop, a military veteran, educated him on PTSD.
Franklin’s in-laws were also unsympathetic and demanded he return to being the person he had been before – they thought they knew better than the mental health officials who had rated Franklin a life-time case of PTSD. Worse yet, they accused him of making it all up and demanded he admit there was really nothing wrong and act accordingly. Finally they attempted to destroy Franklin’s marriage so their daughter and sister could have a ‘normal’ life.
Family members must realize they can not judge or diagnose what they are not trained to recognize. They need to learn from and work with their returning soldier, just as they would a traumatized police officer, firefighter, paramedic, medical professional, or a victim of violence who has reached the point that they have seen and experienced too much and can not face anymore.
Only when the returning service member feels trust and respect from those around them will they be able to talk about their war experience. Trust is the single most important factor in the rehabilitation process; without it you simply become one of 'the enemy' trying to force them to do something they cannot yet do. This applies to all who suffer from PTSD, man or woman; on or off a battlefield. The only thing we non-professionals can do to help the healing process is to love, accept, and help them according to their needs; not ours. Our attempts to force them to heal according to our expectations will do more damage than good – the recovering man (or woman) will lose what little trust and faith they have been able to develop in you; a trust that may never be regained.
5. Don’t be afraid to touch a touchable man.
Many cultures, religions, and societies have legal or moralistic rules concerning physical contact. Within cultures where physical contact is allowed, there are still personally-perceived boundaries and as well as moral and social implications as to how, when, why, and how publicly a man allows himself to be touched. Such standards and perceptions must be respected, but at the same time the comforter needs to know the man and understand what boundaries he has or has not set. Allow the Spirit to direct you in knowing when you can put an arm around a man’s shoulder and when you can hug him or even take him in your arms to let him cry.
“I don’t know what to say!” exclaimed a caring Relief Society president when Carl and his children came to church three days after he and his wife experienced a still-birth. Carl’s reply was simple: “When you don’t know what to say, then hug.” She immediately hugged him, not letting go until she felt her hug had adequately expressed her love and concern. A year later she confided in Carl that his simple advice had changed her entire outlook. “I don’t have to cure all the ward’s ills,” she told him; “I just need to comfort and assist those who are going through them!” This sister had caught Alma’s vision of church membership and was able to teach it to the sisters in her ward.
David’s coworker gave birth to twins, one of which died at birth and the other after a year of operations to correct birth defects. He attended the funeral mass for the second baby and then made his way down the receiving line to express his condolences. He saw everyone hug the mother but merely shake the father’s hand – including the grieving father’s own family! The spirit whispered, and after hugging the mother he pulled the tall man’s head down to his shoulder and whispered: “God loves you, Boy.” The father held on to David and cried for many minutes, and David didn't let go until the father had had his cry. David’s coworker told him later that through all the trial and sorrow he had been the first man to show any kindness or thought to her husband, and his simple act of kindness literally gave her back her husband.
Among men who do not normally touch, a shared hug in a moment of tragedy or crisis becomes a silent, sacred bond never forgotten. On the other hand, a man who is comfortable with such contact perceives its absence in a moment of tragedy or crisis as a rejection that will also never be forgotten.
6. Listen with our mouths closed.
Those of us who are not trained therapists must know and accept our limitations in giving advice to the troubled man. The best work we can do is often with our ears open and our mouths closed. We can listen and we can sympathize; we can suggest a few things, such as thoughts of inspiration. But we cannot conduct therapy or tell him what to do to heal from the situation. The most important thing is to let him know he is believed, loved, and cared for. Often what a man needs is a listening ear; a sounding board. We cannot do that with our mouth open, ready to give directions.
Often the greatest sermon we can give the hurting man is allowing our tears to be seen as we listen. This requires no words and says more than all the lectures he has probably already heard.
One of the most thoughtless, harmful things we can say is: “I know how you feel.” That phrase should be banished from our lips and our mind. Unless we have been through the exact same situation we do not know how he feels, and he already knows this. Louis, a member of the Army Reserve who served in Iraq, came home and tried to talk to his father about what he’d witnessed and survived. Well intended, his father’s reply was “I know how you feel.” In Louis’ mind, as with other veterans, this was taken as an invalidation of his experiences and feelings, because his father had never been in the military or on a battlefield. His father was perceived as a 'lair' for having made the remark, and a door was closed to talking with him. Louis now only speaks to fellow veterans about his war experiences.
The listener can not discount the man’s impression of what happened to him to cause the issues he's trying to resolve. The listener may not think the situation is or was as bad as the man thinks, but a personal perception of an event is a reality and should not be invalidated or minimized. The sufferer's feelings must be respected; we need to treat him and the situation as if it is as bad as he perceives until competent mental health professionals can help him see the situation in a truer light; they may even validate that the man is correct about the seriousness of the situation, at which time we need to correct our view of the situation to better aide him. If, for instance, Franklin’s ward was serious about his inability to remain in a confused, confined situation due to battlefield flashbacks, they might work to turn their noisy, confusion-ridden wardhouse hallways into something far more calm and reverent. They might also stop trying to save pennies and turn the hallway lights on, removing the appearance of the dark, narrow streets in which Franklin had participated in so many gun battles. And, his bishop might read the offered book on PTSD so he can better understand and assist Franklin and his wife.
7. Don’t be afraid of a man’s emotions.
When women cry, people gather to comfort and console her. When a man shows emotion, those same people turn and run while laughing at or condemning him for his show of weakness. It is no wonder the troubled man feels abandoned!
Never tell a troubled man to cry or to stop crying. Allow him the blessing of his emotions acting on their own and in their own time. Recognize that his God-given emotions are as valid and as honest as a woman’s emotions. Men who trust each other in this respect gain an honest and devoted friendship time will not tear apart. It builds a fellowship that will unite priesthood holders and quorums in a way the ‘natural man’ will never achieve.
Aaron, spoken of at the beginning of this article, never met a man who would allow him to express himself with any hint of emotion, even within his own family – every time emotion started showing they would hush him up or walk away. After ten years he still feels a barrier between himself and other men that may never be removed. He continues to struggle to attend Sunday School and Priesthood Meeting because of this perceived barrier.
8. Don’t be afraid to be emotional yourself.
Franklin speaks fondly of the Army's ‘final role call’ ceremony for fallen comrades – the entire battalion assembles for role call, and each soldier answers as their name is called out - until the name of the fallen is called. The name is called three times in memory of the fallen. All five-hundred-plus soldiers are unashamed of their tears as they remember their comrade and console one another. Hugs and other forms of compassion are neither rationed nor spared. The bond built between soldiers not only holds them together but teaches them what real brotherhood can do in uniting men - and women - in supporting and consoling one another.
“Jesus wept” (John 11:35) as he reached the home town of his newly-deceased friend Lazarus and began comforting the mourners. Even though He knew what he was about to do, He still took time to validate the mourners’ feelings and comfort them before calling his friend from the tomb. Later, He wept over the condition of Jerusalem and its wickedness (Luke 19:41). If Christ is our true example of Manhood, dare we spare our emotions from a brother in need? Should we be ashamed to show our emotions or deny our brother the comfort of our compassion?
The scriptures are full of ‘real men’ who displayed their emotions. Strong, burly Esau wept at his reunion with the quieter, gentler Jacob (Genesis 33:4); Joseph, second in authority only to Pharaoh, wept while dealing with his brothers and father, once so that all of Egypt heard (Genesis 43:30; 45:2; 46:29). King David, Isaiah, Jeremiah, and the Apostle Peter all wept. Mormon and Moroni grieved over the condition of their people. Jehovah Himself revealed to the Old Testament prophets his own weeping and anguish. Scripturally speaking, the man who shows his emotions in grief and mourning and in aide to another is in fine and righteous company.
Mental health practitioners have great compassion for those they help, but they must maintain a professional attitude while working with a client; following a strict code of ethics which defines the level of detachment they must maintain to protect the client. So even though a man accepts the help of a therapist, our assistance in mourning, comforting, and carrying his burden (ref. Mosiah 18:8-9) needs to continue – we are, after all, our brother's keeper (Genesis 4:9).
9. Don’t be afraid to commit acts of kindness.
LeRoy and his wife were mourning the death of a child, coping with their emotions while comforting their surviving children. Life was bearing down on them when there was a knock at the door and in came Charles and Pam, carrying an armful of card and board games. They announced they had come to spend the evening playing with the children. Seeing a night of blessed relief, LeRoy’s wife retreated to the quiet of the bedroom. But LeRoy stood and watched, mystified at the spirit of peace and calm that had come over the home. Charles finally looked up and informed LeRoy that he could go do what he wanted; everything was under control. He went to his computer room, put his head down on the desk, and slept. Recently LeRoy reminded Charles and Pam about that night, and their reply was that they didn’t remember it. LeRoy told them that they might not remember but he would never forget. Such acts of kindness in a moment of crisis bind people, quorums, and wards together in a way that will never be forgotten and always cherished.
Sometimes helping take the man’s mind off his trauma for a short time is a great blessing. Fighting chronic depression, John was literally hiding in his garage one Saturday when he heard the sweet purr of a large automobile engine in his driveway - it was a fellow ward member who owned an expensive sports car. The man invited John for a drive, and they drove for several hours before stopping for lunch. Afterwards, the man handed the keys to John to drive the car on the return drive. They talked about everything but John’s depression throughout the day, and the fellowship between the two men helped lift John to a condition where could face attending church the next day, having been silently reminded that someone cared.
Help for the Caring, Comforting Wife
While the Church has taught the principle of self-reliance for many years, this principle has never been twisted to the point that a husband and wife should think they are independent of each other – self-reliance is to be practiced as a couple and as a family.
Just as a man is the first and foremost resource in loving, comforting, and consoling his wife, she is his front-line love, comfort, and consolation. Often a spouse’s love and comfort is the greatest mental and emotional medicine available, and with liberal applications many of the world’s ills can be regularly counteracted. Conversely, the absence of this medication only deepens the wounds. These times of trial are when a marriage union is cemented surer and more securely than through decades of easy, comfortable times. Without this mutual aide and protection from life’s ills, a husband and wife will grow apart and eventually find comfort and consolation in other places.
A husband and wife cannot fail each other during trying times. In order to succeed, they need to know that there are home teachers, visiting teachers, quorum and Relief Society leaders, and a bishopric who are willing to respond not only to the suffering man’s needs but to help the wife as she copes with her role as her husband's first-line defense against the world. Because the entire family suffers when one of its members suffers, ward leaders need to be aware of available church and community resources to help both the suffering man and his defending, consoling wife and offer those resources to both as they are needed.
Parting Thoughts
“...I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.”
(D&C 38:27; see also entries in the Topical Guide under ‘One.’)A man who needs help is seen by today’s society as a loser who can’t make it through life. He is looked upon as a whiner and complainer. Society then preys upon him to pull him down even further, punishing him for his cry for help.
One of the purposes of the church is to be a community of brothers and sisters who are helping one another in whatever way needed. A grieving or traumatized man or woman needs to be able to come to church or to their leaders and find solace and comfort. Resolution is not always within the leaders’ or members’ grasp, but comfort and aide and solace should always be available as they assist the man in finding and receiving the help he needs. As this is done, a bond of brotherhood and friendship will develop akin to the scriptural injunction of being One with his fellow ward members.
Just as in marriage, a ward and a quorum is strengthened through the difficulties they face and overcome together; strengthened with bonds that will carry them through the easy times and help them to love, to show compassion, and to assist the next brother in need.
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